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Thursday, 22 December 2011

Nota Disember nota akhir



- Nota ini banyak love-love di udara -


sori tak tahu macam mana nak edit muka kamu supaya lebih comel :) saya tercari-cari gambar saya, Far dan Baz pakai
tshirt pink tepi anak sungai. Taktau siapa ada.


Ukhti,

Salam. Bismillah. Saya teringat tomyam ayam yang dimasak oleh Kak H pada tahun 2006 dulu. Ingat kan bagaimana mukanya memerah dan kita mengusiknya 'seri wajah tukang masak'? Itu antara tomyam terlazat pernah saya makan. Itu juga kali pertama kita mendapat pencerahan tentang isk. Ramadhan 2006. Setelah Ramadhan yang lepas, sudah lima tahun lebih, ya.

Ingatkah waktu kita mendapat tahu tentang 'islam', mendapat analogi telur dan analogi pisau? Semuanya di bilik 203. Wallahi, sejak tahu tentang beza seorang Islam dan seorang islam, setelah faham tentang telur dan pisau dan setelah menghadam hadis logam, kita tidak lagi berpaling ke belakang.

203, 303, surau hostel, surau kolej, damansara, tts, masjid sunway, bangi, kuang, kelana jaya, 63, sekadar menyebut antara lokasi-lokasi kita. Bermula bersusah berluka di Monas, saya ke jad, satu singkapan pengalaman yang sangat mahal harganya. Banyak cerita yang tidak terkongsi antara kita, tetapi pengalamannya pasti sama.

Ukhti,

Kamu adalah manusia-manusia logam yang bisa menanggal karat-karat jahiliyah dengan tekad dan doa. Yang bertolak-ansur dengan kejahiliyahan, dia akan ditinggalkan. Itulah yang terjadi.

Kamu ingat tahun-tahun awal kita berpergian dengan myvi dan peugeot saya selalu jatuh sakit dan muntah-muntah? Asalnya saya orang yang suka beruzlah diam di dalam bilik di dalam rumah. Sampai sekarangpun saya tak pasti sama ada itu adalah efek psikologi atau memang kerana sistem imunisasi badan. Jadinya saya semakin tidak suka berpergian, itulah mujahadah yang besar bagi saya. Dua tiga tahun berpergian baru masalah kesihatan diatasi; tidak tahulah sama ada badan sudah lebih kuat atau motor psikologi lebih baik atau iman lebih kuat atau ukhuwah lebih erat.

Ukhti,

Yang nyata memang kerana saya bermain-main dengan kejahiliyahan, saya tidak mampu membuang semuanya dan saya meningalkan karat cinta dunia pada jiwa. Oleh sebab itulah. Ukhti, Tuhan sajalah yang tahu saya menyayangi kamu dan menyanjung kamu serta berasa cemburu kepada kamu, kerana setelah bertahun-tahun juga saya gagal mengikat hati kerdil ini dengan hati-hati para pembina, dalam saf para ikhwah dan akhawat yang mulia. Saya cemburu melihat kerlipan-kerlipan iman dan ukhuwah yang bersinar antara kalian.

Ukhti,

Dulu di Monas ini adalah kita bertujuh. Dalam kalangan kita, sayalah yang paling akhir meninggalkan Monas. Ada manisnya cerita saya dan Allah sebagai orang terakhir ini. Ada cerita saya yang kalian tertinggal, dan ada cerita kalian yang saya tidak terkejarkan.

Tidak kira jalan mana dan cabang mana, kita akan menjunjung ad-deen dan menjadi islam. Kita ini hamba hina-dina serba kekurangan, maka Allah menyediakan seluruh hayat kehidupan sebagai wadah untuk berusaha dan bekerja atas namaNya. Kiranya jalan hidup yang panjang, penuh ketidakpastian dan bersimpang-siur, mungkin suatu hari nanti akan membawa saya pulang kepada kalian untuk teguh di dalam saf. Sampai masa itu, sudi-sudi kiranya saya pohonkan untuk kalian menyertakan satu nama ini dalam senarai yang panjang dalam rabitah kalian.

Ukhti,

Seadilnya ini kata penamat untuk blog seusia 4 tahun 3 bulan ini, untuk saya. Ini nota terakhir saya. Saya kira catitan di dalamnya adalah catatan yang adil buat saya, yang mana kalau kamu menyelongkarnya kamu akan dapat melihat jatuh bangunnya iman saya selama tahun-tahun berada di bumi Sunway. Atas nama Allah, saya menyayangi kamu seikhlasnya. Jika saya menjauh dari kamu, sebenarnya mungkin kerana saya cemburu. Jika saya dingin, sebenarnya mungkin saya berasa jauh hati dan berasa kamu tidak perlukan saya. Ini sebenarnya apa yang ada dalam hati :D

Maka kiranya jika tidak bersama di dunia, semoga saya berkesempatan untuk dikumpulkan bersama-sama kamu dan orang-orang beriman lainnya di jannah Tuhan. Jalan hidup menjadi saksi syahadahtain masih panjang. Satu kecundang, ramai yang berdesakan kerana memerlukan kepadanya. Tetapi yang kecundang itu semoga tetap menyusur sungai yang sama di dalam hutan belantara, hingga akhirnya bertemu di lautan.

Atas nama Allah, saya ucapkan selamat untuk semuanya, selamat untuk perjalanan pada hari-hari muka dan cerita-cerita akan datang. Uhibbukunna :)




Wassalam,
Tqah, 'qalbi'? :) 
Kota Bharu, Kelantan Darul Naim



Tuesday, 20 December 2011

on a paradigm of life


Bismillah,

He is a guy everybody says a nice guy. I don't know him. I don't even know his name and am not able to ask. Once or twice he came by during ceremonies and I did catch his glimpse.We could not look at people without keeping him or her in heart, thus I restrained from looking.

The elderly says, 'If a woman get a good husband, she already gets her world and all inside.' The status of a husband upon a wife is very high in Islam that the Prophet told us, 'If a human being can prostrate to another, I would command the wives to prostrate to their husbands.' It is a true bless if the honored man is then a good guy the woman secures her world and all inside altogether.

Grandma loves him. Mum loves him. Dad has no comment - it is always up to me. But both women are like struck with affection. Mum came home from surau telling she met him and he smiled to her, and she was happy. Could you imagine the way a girl friend tell you that she comes across the guy she has a crush on?

He, has been waiting for an answer for a year long. I don't know him. I have been considering numbers of things alongside. I need to ask, why on earth would somebody wait for a person he barely knows. Why don't he go after someone he knows better, who is better. I, need to know whether a fine guy would open-heartedly accept a girl who works surrounded a lot more by men than women. I, need to know where would he would like to reside in the future.

They told me, if it is a 'No', then let it be a no. If yes, then praises be upon God. They say it is bad and very improper to let things pass by the wind by letting somebody just wait by his own. An answer is not an easy task, you know. There is no reason to reject, yet I don't know. A neighbor, declining would create an awkward atmosphere. By now I am already worried of why he goes to a much farther mosque instead of the neighborhood's surau.

A bestie, she once got broke up with her school lover after learning that Islam prohibits such relationship. After two or three years, came that guy with proposal to the girl's parents and they are now together again, for good insyaAllah. People say this story is very Islamic, very sweet and touching. I guess a love story, it is only sweet and touching to other people who watch and listen, not to the people involved within. DO you find it sweet to recall the moment you need to break up, or to have somebody awaiting for you with hope?

I understand why some people ignore those who court them. It's empathy. You know, that kind if one is after him or her, they would just neglect. They do not take the person courting them seriously at all, even just to decline properly. They don't care to have concern whether the other person is doing fine or not, because that person really barely leave any trace in their life after all. They could not have enough empathy to understand the severity that occurs in another's life. Thus I, would rather not be one.

Sigh. You know that it is stupid coz this is not a soap opera the hero or heroine would wait forever, or people get together after seven or eight or ten years. Maybe we have watched too much drama or listened to too much made up love songs. Actually, if there is amiss of anything, we can always make up something. If there is amiss of memory, we can create one in the future. If there is too much memory, we can leave them behind, while everybody's doing fine.





The reality of course is too good to be true. I know that very well. I, need to know by heart, what do I want in this life. I, need to always remember what am I for. In the end, things should all be fine. Anything, is in the name of You. This is the story.




Friday, 16 December 2011

Nota selepas tahun baru II

Bismillah,

Saya lahir pada bulan Ramadhan. Pada tahun 1433H ini, saya mencecah usia 24 tahun. Gosh :P 24 kot. Dalam sirah-sirah dan kisah-kisah sejarah Islami yang kita pelajari, semua kiraan usia adalah berdasarkan kalendar Hijrah. Jadi 24 itu sudah dewasa sangat kiranya dibandingkan dengan Khalifah Umar Al-Fateh yang menawan kota Constantinopel atau Usamah Bin Zaid yang menjadi ketua turus angkatan perang termuda.

Dalam beberapa minggu ini, telah macam-macam yang saya tulis sehingga akhirnya saya rasa saya boleh membukukan menjadi sebuah mini novel. Kemudian ditapis kerana lebih banyak yang tidak ada guna. Selepas empat minggu bekerja sebagai staf sementara di unit pemasaran, saya letak jawatan atas beberapa sebab. Pengalaman tersebut sebuah pengalaman yang baik di mana saya mengenali dan melihat cara kerja orang-orang sales and marketing.

Macam-macam yang kita rancangkan untuk kehidupan kita, tinggal saja Allah jua perancang yang terbaik. Suasana di kampung ini tenang dan aman sekali. Minggu lepas saya secara drastik meletak jawatan. Sebenarnya selepas keputusan peperiksaan diumumkan baru hati berasa lapang dan saya boleh duduk diam tanpa kerja. Tiba-tiba sahaja berasa sangat penat dan mahu pulang ke kampung :) Orang-orang muda. 

Love and affection daripada orang yang pulang sekejap-sekejap memang berbeza daripada orang yang selalu ada bersama-sama. Jadi nenek kelihatannya gembira dengan kepulangan saya. Tetapi saya ini orang muda yang darah masih tidak stabil. Ada satu masa saya hingga berair mata menahan sabar membantu nenek di bilik air, sebab tidak biasa. Itulah, larilah lagi dari rumah. Kemudian saya rasa saya ini benar-benar orang muda yang kurang sabar, yang tergesa-gesa meletak jawatan dan kurang sabar melayannya. Bilakah baru kita akan settle down dengan satu pekerjaan yang benar-benar kita rasa belong to?

Kebelakangan ini banyak perkara yang menggusarkan dan perlu difikirkan. Setengah tahun kebelakangan ini memang teruk untuk saya. Pantang ada senggang masa saya cuma mahu tidur dan tidak mahu berfikir. Saya telah banyak tidur. Dalam perjalanan pergi dan pulang kerja saya tidur di dalam  bas seperti orang tidak ada muka. Serius. Hingga satu pagi pemandu bas menegur, "Adik, sudah cukup tidur?" - saya masih mamai waktu itu. Ya Rob. Kurang asam punya pemandu, dan menakutkan juga membayangkan ia melihat saya tidur melalui cermin pandang belakang. Ini salah satu peristiwa yang mendorong saya untuk segera pulang bercuti. Saya perlukan rehat agaknya.

Secara tiba-tiba saya berada di fasa transit yang membimbangkan. Saya ini bukan orang alim dan wara', tapi kita telah belajar dan mendalami ilmu Islami lebih sedikit daripada kebanyakan orang. Dalam banyak keadaan, saya melihat diri sendiri untuk mampu membezakan antara yang hak dan yang batil. Dalam banyak keadaan juga saya menyerahkan kepada perasaan untuk mampu memandu keputusan yang dibuat. Susah. Dalam banyak keadaan saya memang tidak tahu apa yang betul dan apa yang salah, saya menyandarkan keputusan pada sekeping perasaan perempuan yang fragile dan terlebih emosi. Kali ini juga saya sebenarnya berharap diri sendiri untuk mampu mengambil seruan Allah dengan terang dan tenang, tetapi hati tetap berbolak-balik antara seruan Tuhan dan juga rasional manuasiawi dan emosional hati.

Sigh. Buntu kiranya. Kiranya setelah menamatkan pengajian, saya memang cinta untuk terus mendalami bidang kejuruteraan walaupun susah-susah dan sakit-sakit dahulu pasti akan berganda. Tetapi untuk itu banyak yang perlu dikorbankan. Saya tidak nampak masa untuk saya dapat meluangkan masa untuk menjadi perempuan yang lebih baik - ie seperti kata mereka kena tahu memasak dan menjahit. Susah kot perempuan zaman sekarang - perlu setanding dengan lelaki dalam aspek kerjaya tapi juga perlu lengkap dengan pengetahuan rumahtangga lagi perlu menjadi isteri yang taatkan suaminya. Lelaki juga yang masih kurang kesedaran untuk menjadi imam rumahtangga.

Banyak yang perlu difikirkan saya rasa saya mahu tidur sahaja. Saya patut menguruskan satu demi satu. Dengan status transit, dengan kesempitan kewangan yang teruk dan terpaksa menebalkan muka meminta kepada emak dan ayah, lagi perlu pindah rumah, lagi mahu kerja apa, lagi ditambah masalah besar ini yang saya tidak tahu mahu bertanya siapa untuk menguruskannya. Mujur saja saya disuruh supervisor untuk menyambung projek selama satu bulan lagi kerana hasil sebelum ini tidak cukup baik untuk diterbitkan. Sekurang-kurangnya untuk dua bulan ini saya masih tahu di mana saya akan berada. Itulah, saya mahu publication juga perlu ambil lebih masa daripada orang lain :)


"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami lisan yang lembut, 
sentiasa basah mengingati dan menyebut nama-Mu, 
serta badan yang ringan menyempurnakan ketaatan perintah-Mu. 
Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami iman yang sempurna, 
hati khusu', ilmu yang berguna, 
keyakinan yang benar-benar mantap. 

Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami cara hidup yang jitu dan unggul, 
selamatkanlah kami daripada segala bahaya dan malapetaka.
 Kami memohon ya Allah, 
kecukupan yang membuat kami tidak meminta-minta (selain kepada-Mu). 

Berikanlah kami ya Allah, 
iman yang sebenarnya sehingga kami tidak lagi takut
 atau mengharapkan kepada orang lain 
selain daripada Engkau atau menyembah selain daripada Engkau. 
Limpahkanlah rahmat-Mu ke atas kami, 
keluarga dan anak-anak kami 
serta sesiapa sahaja yang bersama-sama kami. 

Jangan Kau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri; 
walaupun sekadar sekelip mata
 atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek dari itu 
wahai Tuhan yang paling mudah 
dan cepat memperkenankan permintaan(perkenankanlah). 
Selawat dan restu Allah untuk junjungan kami, 
Nabi Muhammad s.a.w yang mulia, keluarga dan sahabat baginda keseluruhannya"

[Doa Al-Ma'thurat]

Pada setiap kali solat saya memohon semoga Allah memberikan kecukupan dan perasaan berasa cukup sehingga kita tidak akan meminta-minta kecuali hanya kepadaNya. Ini salah satu ego saya selama ini. Semoga Allah mempermudahkan urusan kita.

The post - new year note I

Bismillah,

I am now at Monas Library, Level 2 – one of the port where I’d loved to dwell myself in. Once I stepped inside this morning, the library felt very familiar. It was the same air and intactness. It did feel like the normal weekend’s morning when we came to hang around here during our second and third years. The ambiance floated around and jolted me to consciousness of the present and the past. I love this place.

The very Scipp and nostalgic pic that is passed down from batch to batch -
  usually the lines were not as straight as this.



I spent a good five years there. In my memory, the hostel was a dry place. I hate that feeling of taking a nap during weekend in the hostel to waking up dehydrated, feeling messy and confused of ‘where am I? This is not home’ – to become in need of a couple of minutes to bring myself back to reality. We spent most of our time at the school building instead – studying, loitering, hanging around classes, eating, conflicting, acting. 

I spent five years there. Five very long, extended years. Yet now what I can recall is not more than at most a novel length. What I can say is that ‘I’ve spent five long years there.’

I love that place although at every year end for three years, there were intentions to change school and stay at home. It is the place that moulds and shapes me. It teaches living independently, meeting the early understanding of life. It shows me how to live with patience and perseverance. If not from there, I won't be reaching Monas thus I am not sure where would I be now at this very moment.

I started taking Nescafe in Form 1. Since then, I’d been consuming the drink once or twice a day for the past 10 years. So the drink had been a signature among friends. There had been times when I brought the drink bought at the canteen into classroom, hang it to chair then clumsily disoriented dropped it on the floor – making such a mess, troubling several friends since the radius of dispersion was big and affecting the whole class with its strong smell. Then the friends there had to help out to clean up; had to wash and rinse some more. This happened three or four times a year and they bore with me thru.

2002 - Second Former ruled school.

I miss it. I do not miss the place, though. The place has since changed. The small area where we used to locate our bags to go for roll-call now got a big spiral staircase there. The school has changed into more colorful - I don’t know where they got the idea that those girls need more colors to cheer their life up – gosh, such a life there was so colorful it sometimes was unbearable. It’s not the people -they are still contactable. All of us have also changed. There are no more imminent innocent girls who turn things up into being epics or conflicts or at least a significant thing. We have all matured up. We have all rises to the understanding.

As being told in the Qur’an, every term would not last. At the end of patience and perseverance, things really feel all right. The years that were so much a headache leave us with a relief and contentment once we become grateful enough. In the hereafter we will be asked’ “How long have you spent on earth?”- and we will feel like we have only spent a day, or half a day or an instant of a wink living on earth. The same goes with all joys or omissions, they would leave with only a mere trace. What left are only us, the way we are today. From Al-Imam Ghazali, 'the farthest away is the past’. I could not agree more. There is nothing to change about the past; we would always in the need to just strive forward.

I guess I am very much a melancholic but positive person, I am definitely going to miss this place. I guess I know well what did I left at that school and what do I miss from it now. Now it would be over for Monas as well and I will be carrying Monas years ahead in my life and my head. I would miss the tense, the sense and the scent. I would miss your flashes and the moment I kept getting the flashes here and there. I would miss our labs and our buildings and our library and our lecture theatres and our cafĂ© and our conducive surau. I would miss my seats in the aquarium, at Level 2, at project’s workspace and everywhere we have belonged to. Someday later, maybe it is not the place itself that I’d be missing and it maybe not the people themselves anymore, yet I am sure I would be missing the same great thing that I miss from the school nearby the waterfall.


0n 13th December, To remain in memory, Monas and life

Sunday, 20 November 2011

along my way

“Working life is a survival. We can survive, the job is fine, but …”

“It feels something, isn’t it?”

Yup. That’s the correct word that I’ve been thinking these few days. The feeling is – ‘something’.

“Everybody works to make ends meet.”

“Ya, things are fine. But we are kind like sucked inside; become a robot, lose ourselves.”

What’s the great thing about this life? It differs from interning once we work to earn a living. I’m cool that I know my term is only temporary; there would only be several Mondays anyway. Waking up around 5.30am, iron clothes, perform prayer and rush over for morning bus, then continue a pretty half an hour sleep in bus. Arriving at workplace, pushing self to utilize time working efficiently not to gain gaji buta (rotten pay?). Arriving at Sunway which is our home later on at the midst of dusk, I can’t help but keep thinking about that something. Yep, things are fine; my superiors are super nice, the job doesn’t include programming (huhu), I get to walk my long trip (serves me right), my colleagues are fine, my cubicle is modest, the pay is very decent for one with no cert, I am not the shrunk young intern who is afraid about misbehaving anymore, but something is missing in action. It eventually leads me to the thought of when and in what condition would I die. It is very important to choose the path and work that we truly love that it feels like we are sent by Allah to serve this in life, yet she says;

“This job is for me. But it still feels like; can I not go for work, can’t I?”

Wouldn’t things be different once we follow our dreamed path? I work pretty hard to arrive at this day, and still feel I have love to give.

Once again this alienation kinda awkward feeling also starts, when I feel like I am the one in the building who has something to do with Allah, when the non-Muslims offer more acceptances to the way I am. It’s weird to meet people who feel intimidated by just the way we dress up; they thought that we think that we matter. Once again it feels weird, when we are in the group of people who live for the worldly that the word ‘God’ is forbidden. I feel fragile this one time about the need to perform prayer with no proper place; to just pray anywhere out of people not to shock people out, about the need to always reserve ablution to rush over most of the time, about the helplessness when being left by bus because we need to opt to perform prayer first and step out from the long queue.  From time to time it makes us feel hurt and fragile that it is actually so easy to skip it, or it is so easy to get involve in dressing up pretty and playing pretty now. Nobody will definitely say anything, and people will even take it as a positive improvement. Somehow, I guess to bow unto You is just in my blood.

Dang homesick. I thought it is not the time to go back home yet. I called him and told him; “I miss you so much I don’t know what to do.”  And he replied, “Adik pun rindu Kakak, tapi teringat sikit-sikit jah.”
Sigh... 

I realize that despite of how much feeling that we have, this is the path of life. I was looking at his photo when the aunty passed by; she initially thought that I was smiling at the photo of my bf. Ha. Then she said; “Be strong. You have your role here, and they have their role there.”  And this reminded me of my little brother and his merry kampung gangs. Nah - he’ll do just fine without me, just as he always does. I guess since the path has carried me away this way, I’d just carry ahead.

It has been long. We are no more kids but we are young. How much have we changed from the young, cool-blooded people to someone dry and senseless, with no enough inspiration we fail to inspire and share with others now? How much pain and hardship have we endured that has eaten away our bright inner-self who is always willing to give and willing to love? We keep what we can keep, we work on what we can work.


Are You looking at me now O Allah? I try hard to live as a good people of Yours.